Texting 101

I've been an avid texter for as long as I can remember, and I have learned more than most people over the past 5-6 years regarding the useful service.

First I'd like to touch on some things you should NEVER ever text if you have a girlfriend:

1. Any text containing the phrase "Three-way". Listen, I don't care if you're talking about sports, a crazy conference call, or sex-- NEVER EVVVVVER text this. On at least three occasions I have been metaphorically ass fucked by a girlfriend. Just don't do it.
   
2. Song lyrics. No matter what they mean to you, they will ultimately mean that you're cheating to your girlfriend. Take texting the lyric "Don't stop beliiiiiieeeeeving". To you that might mean a snazzy lyric from the end of the Saprano's used to legitimize a motivational speech you just sent your friend who is about to move to New Mexico for college, but to your girlfriend who will use the powers of the CIA to get into your phone it means you had a three-way(oh yeah it'll go there) with two girls and you were so drunk that your buddy sang to you to keep you going. Lyrics are a big no no.
3. Dreams. For some reason all girlfriends are Sigmund Freud's distant cousin and can decipher what every dream means. Say you text a girl(just texting them will result in girlfriend believing you are fucking them anyways, so you're already gonna come up short) and you state a crazy dream that you went to the circus with them and the clown sprayed you both with acid and you melted into cotton candy. The dream to a normal person would mean that you are just fucked up, but to a girlfriend it means that you want to spray your semen all over her sugar tits...in a three way with a clown.
   

Just three simple rules: no dreams, no "three-way", and no song lyrics.

Now I will move on into how to text if you have a girlfriend:

1. Change your signature to have your girlfriend's name in it. That way-- whether you mean to send her a message or not it will always end in her name. This is especially useful when you text a dream where you wrote a song about a three way to an ex-girlfriend.
2. Respond immediately. If you wait more than 30 seconds to reply it already means that you have had a secret rendezvous in Spain with your mistress.
3. Only talk about sports to ever person you talk to who isn't your girlfriend. By leaving the discussion only to sports it limits your hacker of a girlfriend from accusing you of anything other than discussing why the Michigan Wolverines refuse to hire you as the offensive coordinator because of your uncanny NCAA 2010 skills.
4. Don't text with a rental phone. If your phone gets lost or you drop it, or you forget it is in your pocket and jump in a hot tub, don't use the loaner phone to text. Just tell everybody that you don't have texting for a week. Without a doubt you will text the wrong person, it's a trap!
   

Four rules this time: Change the sig, quick response, refuse to use a loaner, and leave it to sports.

Texting can lead you into trouble if you haven't gotten a handle on it. I've seen some major cases where names have been changed, pictures have been deleted, and hearts have been broken. But with these simple ground rules you should all be safe, and without a doubt happy. But if you must text crazy things to people--steal your siblings phone.

I really hope I can stop the "you don't love me enough" arguments that I know are going on due to terrible text etiquette.
Good luck to ya.




(I do not condone texting anyone but your girlfriend.)